December 30, 2014

I wish that I could be like the cool kids.

It's exhausting, you know? To wish to be like the cool kids.

Cool looked different then, but for the first few years of high school, I was a "cool" kid, I think. By senior year, though, I was voted "most changed' because...well...I was cool and then I wasn't. It was a weird year for me, and I ended up not even accepting the superlative because I didn't want to forever be known as the girl who became uncool. I decided I'd rather be known as the girl "most likely to win an Academy Award." There's still time.

So here I am, seven years later, ashamedly wishing to be like the cool kids again. And the cool kids, they're everywhere. On my social media feeds. Standing next to me in line to get coffee. In the neighborhood drinking craft beer on their porches. There is no escaping them, only opportunities to covet their coolness.

And I've been doing my share of coveting. And after the coveting comes the trying. And after the trying comes the failing. And after the failing comes the self-loathing. And after the self-loathing comes this post where I publicly throw in the towel on wishing to be anything but myself.

Maybe I've fooled you into thinking I'm one of them. Maybe I've posted all the right photos with all the right hashtags. Maybe you've caught me out and about wearing my trendiest outfit. If that's the case, I promise you, too much thought went into it all and not enough heart. Not enough me. Not enough of someone who would rather not try at all. Someone who would rather just post the pic without hashtags and go out wearing jeans and a hoodie most of the time.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to wish to be like the cool kids anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad to be a cool kid. It's who they are. They can't help being effortlessly cool with everyone all the time.

But I just want to be effortlessly myself with everyone all the time. Cool or not.

Stay forever and always you, my friends.


1 comment:

Joanna said...

I read this and think, "Oh Elise, a kindred spirit." I love you and hope we get to see each other someday soon!!