Vulnerability Out Of Order

Recently (like two days ago recently), I listened to a Matt Chandler sermon that said a lot, but to me, it mostly only said this:

"Nothing drives shame away from the heart more than being fully known yet still delighted in."

When I heard this, my face got hot, and my heart started pounding, and I had one of those moments where I really wanted to shut out the voice of God because I knew He was saying it was time...

To be fully known. To be vulnerable.

But being "still delighted in," though it always is with God, is never a guarantee with people, and it is there the tension lies. It is there where trust in God is required.

It is there that proves we need God in order to be vulnerable with those around us.

I could not have been vulnerable in the way He was asking if it weren't for His grace. Without it, my choosing to be vulnerable would have been riding on the reaction of another person. A person I love. A person I didn't want to disappoint with knowing all of me. Without it, I would have remained bound to my fear. I would have remained stuck in the order of which I thought vulnerability should take place.

But with tears and shaky voice, I let God take my vulnerability out of order, and in return He brought great freedom.

I think Brené Brown perfectly sums up my feelings since:

 "This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee, to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."

Yours in being known completely,

-Elise

High Horse

We have been called

to share the Gospel with the people,

yet we sit in our seats

never reaching those outside the steeple.

How long will we sit,

crying as we watch,

those who are hurting

becoming more lost?

How long will we stand

in the midst of their pleas?

Standing doing nothing,

we assist in their defeat.

And who are we then?

We're worse than the sin

that traps them.

How do we represent Christ

if we aren't willing to die to ourselves

in order to save them?

Ignorance is bliss,

but ignorance we can't claim.

If we've heard from God at all,

we know we're called to save.

But don't start riding on the horse

you've placed so high.

We are merely vessels

God uses to save HIS lives.

He loves more than we ever could.

He knows more than we ever should.

But we'll have to answer

for the moments we merely stood.

A story

I want to tell you a story of a girl

who was robbed of her innocence.

Later caught in teenage sin

with no repentance.

She took a shovel

and dug a hole she couldn't fill

deep in her heart,

clogged it with patterns of this world

and the more she piled in

the further she got

from feeling free.

Free, free

what does it even mean?

She cried with anger.

Impatiently she cried.

She filled her mind

with plans to take her life.

Her

L-lost

I-insecure

F-fearful

E-ending

Life

I am ending my life.

But she didn't know.

No, she didn't know

there was a battle being fought

by the Alpha

the Omega

who was bigger than her patterns

bigger than what she sought.

And the moment she saw Him

that moment she knew.

Her

L-lost

I-insecure

F-fearful

E-ending

Life

would be ending but only

because to die is to live

and to live is to die.

Nothing can separate us

from the love of Christ.

And the girl in the story,

that girl was me.

I found a Savior who died

to set me free.

Free, free

what does it mean?

I tell you the Truth.

I am living proof. 

To be free is to surrender

at the foot of the cross.

Remember,

those who wander

don't have to stay lost.

He Knows All

When the world 'round me shakes,

my God cannot be moved.

What my flesh tries to take,

my God victors in strength.

There is nothing to fear

with my weakness exposed.

My God stands firm and near.

He knows all that I don't.

When woe seizes my heart,

my God fights for it all.

What my thoughts tear apart,

My God remains in charge.

There is nothing to fear

with my weakness exposed.

My God stands firm and near.

He knows all that I don't.

Yours

O Lord, I am Yours

like never before.

Walls are broken.

Through You I am free.

A heart shattered.

Through You I am new.

O Lord, I am Yours

like never before.

Eyes opened.

Through You I see.

Ears listening.

Through You I hear.

O Lord, I am Yours

like never before.

My spirit has taken flight.

It's sold out entirely to You.

My life is taken captive.

It's surrendered completely to You.

O Lord, I am Yours

like never before.

My soul rejoices.

It's filled with Your joy.

I am left breathless

by Your perfect love.

O Lord, I am Yours

like never before.

Worth It

When I look back now
on all the pain I've come to feel
I've found that it's worth
being able to watch You heal

Because what's a faith untested?
What's a spirit not grown?
Who is God if not given the chance
for His grace to be shown?

Freedom

I believed the lies

That were twisted

And presented as truth

I believed the lies

That boxed me in

And stifled my spirit

I believed the lies

That made timid

what was strong and assured

Now

I believe the truth

That is burning

And presented as faith

I believe the truth

That opens doors

And lights the match of hope

I believe the truth

That makes stronger

what was weak and unsure

I believe in the truth

That I am re-found

I am refined

I am renewed

I believe in the truth

That He is leading

He is seeking

He is fighting

I believe in the truth

That He is setting me free

Whisper, speak

Your voice is hidden

in the depths

of my heart,

dulled with suffocation

from other voices.

In the depths remain

but in my heart

be revealed.

Your voice is soft

in the depths

of my mind,

dulled with suffocation

from other voices.

In the depths remain

but in my mind

be revealed.

Let Your whisper speak

louder than shouts

from other voices.

Israelite

And who am I?

Nothing but an Israelite?

Forgetting You

despite Your glory.

Forgetting You

despite Your love for me.

And what have I done?

Made idols of what is seen?

And I wonder why there's

a lack of faith

for the unseen.

And I wonder why there's

a lack of peace

as they drown me.

Shower me with Your mercy.

Shower me with Your promise.

I don't deserve all of You.

You deserve all of me.

Another Day

Another rainy morning.

Another cup of coffee.

Another day to serve the Lord.

He answers prayers according to His perfect will.

Those without alignment to His plans:

He provides comfort and peace and a better way.

My God in heaven, there is nothing greater.

His son Jesus Christ, there is nothing sweeter.

I long for holiness.

I long for peace.

I long for a pure heart, mind, and soul.

But most of all I long to dwell

in the overwhelming presence of the Spirit,

which surpasses all understanding.

Which provides rest to the weak and hope for the lost.

How could I not praise?

How could glory not be brought to Your name?

Without You my breaths are just passings of time.

But in receiving the breath of life,

my breaths are moments surrendered to You,

so that I may be an example of Your love and light.

Let each breath I take not bring me closer to death,

but closer to life.

To eternity spent with You.

Deer Feet

After a little debate with myself, I've decided to update at 2:00 in the morning. As great as sleep sounds, the urge to post a more positive blog than the last is just too strong. I think it's safe to say my funk is officially over. Praise God.

All semester I've been committed to reading the Old Testament. On Wednesday morning, I read the 3rd and final chapter of Habakkuk, and God really tugged on my heart with verses 17-19:

17Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

18yet I will rejoice in the LORD,

I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19The Sovereign LORD is my strength;

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

he enables me to go on the heights.

What an amazing way to start my day. God knew exactly what I needed to hear. I only wish I had been open to hearing it sooner. Not only have these past couple of weeks shown me how much my contentment relies on God, but they've shown me how faithful God is in that he will provide me with the strength I need to persevere. He deserves rejoicing even when life seems to be going nowhere.

And when I feel like life is doing just that. Going nowhere. That is when God reminds me of His power, making my feet like the feet of a deer, enabling me to go on the heights.

Lovely

"Elise Catherine Hartman believes life is quite lovely."

In response to my current Facebook status, my wonderful friend, Joanna, asked for the details. I replied saying there were no specific reasons for my "lovely" life, but who am I kidding? Of course there is an explanation for the joy that has consumed my life these past two weeks I've been back at school, it's just a matter of taking the time to reflect.

Is it just the excitement that comes with the hustle and bustle of the new semester?

Could be.

But I believe it's something greater.

Ever since I made the decision to dedicate my life to Him, I've been striving to become this girl God has called me to be from the very moment He created me. For so long I couldn't even grasp hold of her. I could only see her. As simple as the concept may be, I am finally realizing the closer I am to God, the more I become like her. Again, simple and obvious, and I suppose I always knew, but there is a difference between knowing something and actually believing it.

"The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statues of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes." -Psalm 19:7-8

You Believe

There's a peace inside my soul,

as I reach outside this darkened hole

and grasp the hands of a loving king,

who takes my life with all it brings.

My past forgiven without a question.

My present cared for with no hesitation.

My future known, there's light ahead,

shining through a heart once dead.

I don't deserve

yet I still receive.

I lose my faith,

but you still believe.

Riches

Your house is made

from different pieces,

but your house is still

a house of God.

Your hands are colored

from dust and dirt,

but your hands are still

hands used for Him.

Your age is of

a small child,

but your age is still

an age of wisdom.

Your heart has felt

the pain of poverty,

but your heart is still

full of riches.

The richest I've seen,

the wisest I've heard,

the most useful yet,

in the warmest house I've stayed.

I Need Yours

Why is my heart so easily broken?

I don't want to care

but every part of me has turned on that switch

and I can't seem to hit it off.

I can't let go.

I want to give it all to You

but something is holding me back.

I'm inches from your grasp

but where is my strength?

I need Yours.

Reliance

You challenge me.

When I hold back,

you open me up.

When I pull away,

you draw me near.

I am out of control, but you have it all figured out.

As the tears fall,

I feel you with me,

and I listen.

I can hear your voice.

As I breathe

my heart lifts up.

I feel you with me.

and I just listen.

I rest in you.

I rest in your praises.

They are more than I am.

My only reliance.

Everlasting Sound

I let the drums

beat in my heart

with Your everlasting sound.

I carry it with me

as I walk through

rocky ground.

Your word is my sword.

My faith is the shield

against all who try

to break me

and take me from Your field.

Where your love is

the wildflowers

vibrant and growing

brushing my legs

as I run free

into Your showing

of what I am

and what I will become.

For You know the plans

You have for me

plans to prosper me

and not to harm me

plans to give me hope

and a future.

I'll keep Your word as my sword

and when summer dies

and wildflowers are gone

I'll find Your love

in acorns.

Strong and growing

like my shield of faith

faith in knowing

what You are

and what You will always be

the only one who could ever

look inside of me.

My maker

the footprints I follow

when the world

turns cold with snow

but I am not afraid

as I walk the road.

For I know I'll see Your face

as my soul awakes

into eternity

like tulips in the spring

when first kissed with the sun.

Until then I'll live

by faith and word

They're continually spun.

Spun like seasons

You always come.

Shining Brighter/Lift Me Higher

You breathe life into this place.

You send sound

grabbing attention

for all who want to listen.

You never give up on those

who can't seem to hear.

I was there.

Now my heart is open.

All Your praises wash my cares.

When I lose Your light

You shine brighter.

You lift me higher.

Too bright to see darkness.

Too high to look down.

Your love is freedom.

I can't be bound.

When I walk with You,

I can't be stopped.

When I run with You,

I can't look away.

When You wrap me

in Your arms

and dance with me,

You never let go.